Last summer some partners from my investment life and I met up for a weekend of fun and frolic on Vancouver Island. A neophyte where it comes to boating, I watched curiously as David kept moderating our speed as we came through areas closer to the shore. “Each boat is responsible for its wake.” he told me. “You can’t just go flying through, knocking people off their docks and capsizing other boats.”
What a great metaphor for life! I thought. If only we were more aware of what our wakes looked like. On shore, the people in our lives only figuratively go flying into the water as we cruise along, fulfilling our obligations, pursuing our interests and sharing our views.
Some people seem naturally attuned to emotional nuance and govern themselves accordingly. Others appear utterly clueless, if their behaviour is anything to go by. But what separates the haves from the have nots? Is it an immutable part of personality, or it is a skill or ability that can be developed? Nature or nurture?
This tendency to “play well with others” is sometimes described as Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Popularized by Daniel Goleman in his book by the same name, the concept of Emotional Intelligence is controversial in the helping community for exactly the questions asked above.
For the landlubber, it’s more like the phrase famously used by United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart to describe his threshold test for pornography. “I know it when I see it.” or as with most of us in the case of Emotional Intelligence, when we feel the effect of its presence or lack thereof.
What does lack of EQ look like? It seems to display mostly in the emotional, rather than rational realm. A quick straw poll among those fished out of the figurative water cite the perp as:
- living in their own world, or being self-absorbed
- not able to cope with problems or deal with stress
- having poor self-control
Scanning this list, the second one really jumps out at me. Not able to deal with stress or cope with problems…hmm. That sounds a lot like fear or anxiety, and that compromises self control, keeping us tuned to Radio Me rather than Radio You and Others. So what do we know about fear?
Fear is probably the brain’s oldest emotion because it kept us from being lunch. It triggers the fight or flight response we’ve heard so much about. It masquerades as chronic anxiety in those who tend towards worry. You know the type – they are risk averse, save rather than spend, and avoid rather than plunge ahead. The gene pool is shifted towards trepidation, because those with too little didn’t survive to sing another day — we only have to think of the Darwin awards. Criminals are, more often than average, individuals with a low level of worry and poor impulse control. Their emotional physiology under-reacts to novelty and stress.
For the nature side of this debate, let’s recognize that an unfortunate few of us inherit a temperament at one extreme or another. As our world has evolved, we no longer feel the threat of the mastodon bearing down upon us, but our underlying neural circuitry remains the same.
As to the nurture part, what can we do to reduce our fear or anxiety, and if we follow this line of reasoning, thereby increase our Emotional Intelligence?
- Get some exercise – it helps burn off the adrenaline that fuels the anxiety response
- Stop catastrophizing – remember your brain can’t distinguish between reality and your imagination, so keep your thoughts off the Track Of Imagined Disaster
- Spend time and energy with people you care about. We are pack animals and isolation leads to more anxiety.
- Connect to a purpose bigger than yourself. A person lacking a stable centre feels an urgent need to fill the gap, and that can lead to superficiality and narcissism. People without content often settle for appearances.
Is Emotional Intelligence a product of Nature or Nurture? The jury is still out. If it can be developed by all means let’s move that along. If it’s an immutable part of personality, perhaps we need to accept the have-nots as they are and either give them a wide berth or mitigate the damage where possible so we can all stay dry.
In summary, let us not accept our dog’s assessment of how lovable we are. Landlubber or sailor, we are all responsible for our wake.