Remember Eeyore? How could you forget him? He’s present in every family. You can recognize him by the peevish expression. He suffered a disappointment or two somewhere along the way, and never got over it. Maybe he didn’t get into the college of his choice, or his first job didn’t work out, or his marriage ended in divorce. Doesn’t really matter, or at least it shouldn’t — except its ossified into his identity. Entitled Victim, or EV.
EV believes the Disappointing Event shouldn’t have happened to him. He was Entitled to More. He was Done Wrong By Others.
Stuff happens. Fair enough. Some of us get over it, some of us don’t. EV doesn’t.
EV’s filter is clogged. Awareness of anything good, past or present, doesn’t get through the filter of his mind. All that penetrates are things that resemble the Disappointing Event and being Done Wrong By Others.
Most of us resemble EV some of the time. It’s part of being human. We all have a tendency to continue to believe what we’ve always believed, and discard information that doesn’t fit with already existing viewpoints. This is partly due to the way human memory works. Although the brain is often likened to a computer, its functionality is more akin to a search engine that sorts data by recent and frequent hits. When we try to remember something, our brains engage in a game of charades, conjuring up images by “sounds like…” We don’t have a “find and replace” function – memories fade as they are replaced with more recent, frequent and salient thoughts. The key to avoiding EV’s fate is awareness and a willingness to re-direct our focus.
Let’s not be EV – a lifesized picture of “What’s The Use?” EVs do not flourish; they are a sinkhole for the energy and productivity of those around them. Picture the most miserable person in your family or circle of friends, and remember the last time you tried to plan something with them, say a dinner party or a celebration of some sort. Did they move plans along, or sideline them? Were they a catalyst for action, or the emotional tar sands? How many side discussions were held around EV’s passive or active aggression? Not attractive, is it?
We need to apply Get Over Ourselves cleanser regularly to keep our filters sparkling and open. So we can see the good stuff as well as the bad.
What else can we do?
The What Went Well Exercise, also known as the Gratitude Journal. Tried and true, it’s as simple as keeping a journal or blog of three to five things that went well every day. It’s a foundation exercise of the Positive Psychology movement and it keeps coming up for a reason. It works. It keeps the bad stuff on the outside of the filter, and helps the good stuff populate our search engines.
There may not be much you can do about the Eeyore in your own family, but you can make sure you’re not him. The nail in the tail looks so uncomfortable.