A couple of nights ago my husband, Glenn and I had an excellent meal with a bottle of wine at one of our favourite local restaurants. We were full of bonhomie as the evening drew to a close, and I excused myself to use the facilities before heading off on our walk home. When I returned to the table, I found that Glenn was no longer there. In his place was That Guy.
Glenn had taken the opportunity to check his e-mail during my absence (note to all wannabe happy couples – dispense with electronic communication devices when wishing to pursue an enjoyable evening). Something in one of the missives had set him off, and there he sat, glowering at the screen, rigid, uncompromising and seething with indignation.
Taking the situation at a glance, I sat down and inquired as neutrally as I could, “What’s up?” He thrust the phone at me indignantly. I read the offending e-mail. Yes, it was annoying, but in my view it didn’t warrant getting really bent out of shape. I suggested a different perspective, in the hope of rescuing the evening before things got out of hand, but he was having none of it. He glared at the screen once more. I made one or two more attempts to shift his attention, but soon realized the futility and gave up. I felt he was over-reacting, and that was enough to turn me into That Girl, who shares none of Marlo Thomas’ charm and sunny disposition.
There we sat, both of us fuming for different reasons, although with the same outcome. Harmony destroyed, I stalked out of the restaurant and walked home, leaving him to marinate in his bad mood.
What the heck happened? Brain hijack, that’s what.
We humans are hardwired to move toward reward and away from threat, and historically this approach/avoid mechanism helped us to remember what was good and bad in our environment with lightning speed. It happens unconsciously and automatically, and it takes about a fifth of a second to trigger the “away” response from perceived threats, as David Rock explains in his article SCARF: a brain-based model for collaborating with and influencing others, and on this YouTube clip. Ideally, the limbic system, deeper in our brain structure, helps to us to react proportionately to the threat or reward involved, but it’s not a perfect system. When things go awry, our reactions are out of proportion to the trigger, which helps explains road rage, or Glenn’s uncharacteristic reaction to a miffy e-mail.
The brain perceives five types of primary threats or rewards, as described in David Rock’s SCARF model:
- Status – relative importance or seniority, also known as the “pecking order”
- Certainty – ability to predict what’s coming next
- Autonomy – ability to exert control over our environment
- Relatedness – trust and empathy with others
- Fairness – justice, honesty and equity
On the positive side, primary rewards work the same way, but bear in mind that they are much less powerful than threat responses. We need several times more positive stimuli than negative to keep things on an even keel.
Something in the e-mail had tripped a Status threat for Glenn. Normally a very even-tempered individual, he was nonetheless down the path of cortical hijacking in no time flat. It is astonishingly easy to trigger these responses, because primary threats activate the same brain networks as a threat to one’s life, and the trouble with these kinds of things is they’re contagious. Just as quickly, it triggered Relatedness and Fairness threats in me, rendering both of us “not at our best”, shall we say.
This is all too common in relationships. Observing my father in one of his legendary tirades, a friend later asked my mother if she’d ever considered leaving him. “Divorce?“ my mother responded, “Never. Murder? Frequently.” This could be described as the ultimate in “Away” responses. Advances in forensic science have rendered this time-honoured method of dealing with chronic marital disharmony much less attractive. Advances in neuroscience can perhaps make it less desirable.
How can we benefit from this information? When going about our day-to-day business, in order to promote a Reward/Toward response we can:
- Be mindful of opportunities to raise other people’s Status through genuine complimentary acknowledgements. Catch them doing things well.
- Reduce ambiguity and provide Certainty whenever possible. Be clear and frank in our communications.
- Allow others Autonomy. Let them choose how and when things get done. Don’t micromanage.
- Increase Relatedness by reaching out in a friendly fashion. Be empathetic.
- Recognize Fairness is often in the eye of the beholder. Be open and don’t assume it’s “my way or the wrong way.”
If you find yourself in the suds through inadvertently triggering someone’s Threat/Away response, do your best to quickly:
- Recognize what’s happening. Mentally review the SCARF model to see what might have occurred.
- Head it off at the pass before it really gets entrenched. Remember that overreactions can be contagious.
- Breathe deeply. This sends a “calm down” message to the brain.
- Don’t escalate or feed into someone else’s hijacking – walk away if necessary.
- If possible, get some immediate physical relief to burn off the adrenaline.
- Don’t form a conclusion by “piling on”. There’s a tendency to recall every other incident where this has occurred and reach a global, negative conclusion about the person’s character.
So remember. Next time you are looking forward to an enjoyable evening, don’t forget to pack your SCARF, but leave the cell phone at home.